Too many vs. too few choices

On a recent episode of the sitcom, “Girls,” a main character, Marney, brings up a dilemma common to the modern western woman. During an emotional breakdown, she says, ““Sometimes I just wish that someone would tell me, this is how you should spend your days, and this is how the rest of your life should look.”

Watching this episode from Sangli, surrounded by women who often have so few choices, I was intrigued by this idea of a young woman complaining for having too many choices and wanting someone to tell her what to do. After centuries of struggle for women’s rights, for the choice to do things like marry whom we want, cast our vote, and work wherever we’d like, why are women like Marney expressing such sentiments? The truth is, even though we sometimes feel silly for it, today, many of us Western women struggle with having too many choices.

Living as a woman in Sangli, I often compare my life with that of other women here. The fact that I live on my own as a 22-year old woman (unmarried), go to the market and buy everything on my own, and go to work during the day is relatively rare in this town. It was only recently that another neighbor, who is 25, went for the first time with her husband out to the market. Most of the women in my neighborhood have received some education, but their parents chose their husbands, and they are expected to treat their husbands and children in a certain way. Even the women in my office note that before they come to the office, they have to spend hours in the morning cooking a hot breakfast and a full tiffin lunch for their husband and kids.

So, when I watch Marny on Girls complain about having too many choices as a young professional in New York City, it doesn’t immediately make me sympathize for her.

           

Yet, to be honest, as much of a feminist and women’s rights advocate as I am, I too sometimes think about how it would be easier to have someone tell me what to do, and whom to be with. I would save the time and energy spent figuring out “what I want to do with my life” for sure, and the emotional trauma and confusion of relationships. Sometimes, in my most hopeless moments, I think it would be nice if I could predict the future, if I knew where I would be in 5 or 10 years, who I’d be with, and not have to have my grandmother’s voice in the back of my head as I’m working in the developing world, saying, “you’re not going to meet any future husbands there.”

But then, I think about the moments of realization in a job after months of struggle; about falling in love, and the moments where you feel you’re on top of the world after years of heartbreaks or failed relationships; about the times where you sort of figure of what you want and like and support, and feel good about your choice. I realize that we need to have these dilemmas as young women, the abundant options to chose from, because even though it may be overwhelming and scary, too many choices is always better than the opposite.

Realizing this does not make me pity the woman in my neighborhood whose marriages are arranged, or who are not able to work because their husbands don’t want them to, or who have no say in financial matters of their own household. But it does make me want to continue working toward gender equality worldwide, and to fight to at least make these choices available to all women.

           

Empowerment

Working in small-town India these past six months, I’ve been thinking a lot about empowerment. What does it mean for someone be empowered? At what point has a woman reached “empowerment”? Working for an NGO that focuses on sex workers’ rights these past six months, I’ve realized that the idea of empowerment is much more complex than I originally thought.

            Growing up, I received some of the best educational opportunities the U.S. has to offer. Since graduating, I have chosen a career path that was my choice completely. And when I decide to marry, if ever, that will be completely my choice as well. All of these choices are standard markings of an “empowered woman” in the 21^st century.

            Now, let’s take the stereotypical notions of sex workers—poorly educated; whores of society; passive victims of male aggression. None of these descriptions correlate with the idea of being an empowered woman. However, through working with a collective of sex workers called VAMP and living in this town of Sangli, I’ve learned that the story is much more complicated. The women of VAMP are strong; they are brave; they are fighters. They stand together and shout out “sex work is work!” during team building type exercises. They often times did come from pasts marked by few educational opportunities and poverty, yet they are striving for a better livelihood for themselves and their families. In the U.S., we pride ourselves on being a country where the “American dream” is attainable for all—the idea that through hard work, you can raise your socioeconomic status. Sex workers are fighting for this exact idea of working hard to improve their lives and move up in a hierarchical society.

            To be fair, I’m not trying to idealize sex workers’ lives and conditions in any way. Sex workers are one of the most stigmatized and abused groups in Indian society, having to bear the brunt of police violence, condemnation, and a lack of access to education, health care, and government benefits. But through collectivization, they are more adequately able to fight against these abuses and for the human rights they deserve.

It’s commonly thought that these women were forced to be doing sex work and are helpless, when in fact according to the PAN India Survey on Sex Workers, 73% of female sex workers entered this work on their own. They are able to make their own income, support themselves, send their children to school, pay their bills, and sometimes afford extra luxuries such as gold earrings or silver bracelets.

When I talk about my work with friends and family in the U.S., they are often confused with the idea of my NGO working to improve sex workers’ current situations, as opposed to saving them from their work. It is more morally acceptable to be “helping” sex workers by “freeing” them from their horrific experiences, and encouraging them to take up jobs in other sectors of society. As I tell them, though, many of these women do not want to change their careers. They’ve worked before as maids, as daily wage earners, tailors, and cooks; but in these jobs, they were often sexually or physically abused, or paid below a living wage. Society tells us that we can “empower” these women by saving them from this work, whereas I’ve learned empowerment is helping improve the conditions of sex work, making it safer and allowing sex workers to be free from abuse and eligible for government benefits like any other Indian citizen.

A main focus of my career goal includes women’s empowerment. As I’m learning, though, there is no one definition of empowerment. I consider myself, as being educated, working, and free from abuse, an empowered woman. Yet I now also consider a sex worker who is working for a fair wage, living in safe conditions, supporting her family and building a life for herself, as also being empowered. It’s through efforts on the part of collectives like VAMP and NGOs like SANGRAM that strive to make this a reality, and I’m lucky to get to be a part of it.